"Son, c’mere."
"Yeah, dad?"
"I think It’s time I gave you ‘The Talk.’"
"Dad, I already-"
"No. I know you know all about sex. With the Internet you probably know more about the humpty bumpty than I could even imagine. No, this is a different talk. I want to prepare you for women.
See, son, you aren’t prepared at all for the onslaught of confusion and distress you have to endure when you get close to a woman. When you meet a girl that you think is peachy keen, or whatever hip terminology you want to use, it is your job to bend over backwards to make sure she thinks the entire universe revolves around her, that your entire existence is dedicated to her every whim.
You need to develop superhuman abilities. You have to be everywhere she wants you at a moment’s notice, you must be able to read her mind, and if you fail to read her mind, you have to pick up on the fact that you didn’t read her mind and you better be ready with the most amazing apology, preferably in the form of something expensive and inconvenient. Women will tell you they don’t want anything like that, but if you value that relationship, you’ve got to see through her tricks. She wants you to screw up so if she ever decides to fuck your friend, she has an excuse.
Likewise, if she ever asks you a question, you had better make sure you treat it like it’s the most important thing in the world – because it is. If you ever hear her ask a question, picture yourself standing on a slippery precipice overlooking the gaping maw of Hell. Know that if you don’t answer correctly, you might as well be plunging headfirst into that abyss.
You’ve got to make sure that you perform above and beyond normal behavior. Do things nobody in their right mind would do, because otherwise she’ll just find some other son of a bitch who’s willing to spend a thousand dollars on giant Hallmark bears."
"Hallmark bears? Why would anyone want a giant Hallmark bear?"
"That’s the kind of question you need to stop asking right now. This isn’t going to make any sense to you, and that’s the biggest obstacle you face. You’ve got to trick yourself into thinking completely senseless and unnecessary things are awesome and necessary. Once you think buying an expensive gift that she’ll look at twice and then pack away in a closet is a good idea, you’ll know you’re in love."
"Love? you mean love is just lying to yourself?"
"Pretty much. Do you really think everyone has a one and only someone? Truth is, there’s a million women like the one you’re going to marry, but you’ve got to do your best to make sure that neither of you ever realize that."
"But what if I can’t do all that?"
"Then God help you, son."
"Why would I want to do any of that?"
"Nobody knows. The world’s best scientists, philosophers and mathematicians have been working for hundreds of years to discover why women are worth all of this. Years ago, Albert Einstein came up with his ‘Because they have vaginas’ theory, but with the recent advances in synthetic vagina technology, we’re just not sure any more."
"I think I want to be gay, dad."
"I understand."
You may have 1 male reader, but more male follower. And I’m from phx ur hated place (whatch it)
Who is that guy (comment above)? Weird.
Sounds foreign too.
I couldn’t comment until I read this to my husband.
Now he’s telling me how true it all is, in relation to me, in minute detail.
I must be a sucker for punishment. *chuckle*
Haha, totally not me in any way…but true about most.